<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I wish that you would just leave by kyo1</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675278">I wish that you would just leave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1'>kyo1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>CSA, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dissociation, Other, PTSD, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter is not ok, Self Harm, Sexual Assault</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:20:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He can forget the blonde almost silver hair, the cheap after shave, the hands .</p><p>He can forget. </p><p>For a while </p><p>But then he can’t. </p><p>It hits hard. It makes him want to scratch away all his skin because the touch still lingers even though it’s been 7 years.</p><p>(Now with a third and final chapter ! )</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker/Skip Westcott (Past)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Your presence still lingers here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If sexual assault and rape is triggering , please click off my loves ❤️.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes he doesn’t think about. He can go through the motions of living, forgetting what had happened in that small bottom bunk. He can forget the blonde almost silver hair, the cheap after shave, the hands .</p>
<p>He can forget. </p>
<p>For a while </p>
<p>But then he can’t. </p>
<p>It hits hard. It makes him want to scratch away all his skin because the touch still lingers even though it’s been 7 years. </p>
<p>It’s been 7 years, he should be over it. </p>
<p>But sometimes he feels he’ll never forget. He would sit down in his shower, scorching water burning him, him desperately wishing the touches would wash away with it. A hot cloud of condensation fills him and he dissociates. </p>
<p>He always comes back, but most of the times he wished he wouldn’t have. </p>
<p>He’s scrubbed his skin raw. Blistering and exposed and bleeding. But the touch is still there, just a little bit deeper. </p>
<p>‘Just a little bit deeper’ he repeats like a mantra to himself as he scratches more. </p>
<p>But it’s never enough. The touch seems to escape him every time and he can never find it. </p>
<p>It crawls deeply inside where he can’t reach until it calms down. </p>
<p>And the cycle commences. </p>
<p>Being honest, if you asked him right now, he barely remember what happened when he was 9. Or more specifically what happened with Skip. </p>
<p>But some days he can still feel the fibers of the bed sheets fusing with his skin. Sticking and poking him and he’s powerless and weak. </p>
<p>But yet , some days the bed feels soft and welcoming and it’s almost like the bed is brand new. </p>
<p>It’s not, but he likes to pretend it is. </p>
<p>And he’s totally fine too. Gets good grades, he’s a life saving vigilante, has a mentor in his corner, throws up when he smells axe body spray, eats thai with May, can still feel the bruises, has amazing best friends, yeah , he’s great. </p>
<p>Until he’s not. </p>
<p>He can sometimes hear the ‘Hey Einstein’ rattling around his brain. </p>
<p>And sometimes he wants to take a gun and shoot himself in the head to get rid of it. </p>
<p>He’s showered for hours, and multiple times. But he can’t ever get clean. He’s scratched and scrubbed everywhere with soap and bloody water, but it’s still dirty. </p>
<p>He sometimes still sees the blood under his nails. </p>
<p>But it’s ok! Because he can go a few months not thinking about it! </p>
<p>But then he stretches his mouth to bite a burger and it sends him spiraling so hard he has to eat everything with a fork and knife for two weeks. </p>
<p>He’ll be ok at school too! </p>
<p>But when he pulls out the pencil sharpener May bought him and the brand is called “Westcott” he’s suddenly back there.</p>
<p>He’s nine years old pinned down as they strip away his clothes and his innocence and- </p>
<p>He can at least get the clothes back. </p>
<p>He remembers how rough Skips hands felt around his mouth as they silenced his scream. It’s almost like his lips had etched the pattern of the skin onto themselves. </p>
<p>The hand shape bruises still haven’t faded, well , they have , but have they? </p>
<p>Because after 7 years he can still see them as he steps into another shower. </p>
<p>He remembers everything about Skip. Nothing, sometimes, but every detail. </p>
<p>He remembers the dimple that was more pronounced on his left cheek, he remembers his chin had a small scar from a bike fall, he remembers the scrapes on his knees. </p>
<p>He also remembers how warm he was all the time. How he could say his name so fondly yet so sinisterly it made him want to scream. He remembers him so much. </p>
<p>But wait</p>
<p>He doesn’t remember what he looks like? </p>
<p>He’s pondered so much on everything that when he thinks about Skips face, they more he thinks, the less true it becomes. </p>
<p>Was it true in the first place? </p>
<p>His face would morph differently in every flashback and dream, that sometimes Peter thought Skip wasn’t real. </p>
<p>That he’s not 16, he’s 9 but Skip never existed. </p>
<p>But then he smells the clothes under his bed he has yet to throw away and remembers that Skip was real. </p>
<p>It’s like a cloud almost, a dark cloud, Skip. </p>
<p>He always follows Peter. Behind him, besides him , on top- </p>
<p>Peter screams.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It won’t leave me alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s only a problem when he sees Skip again. </p>
<p>He doesn’t remember screaming, but suddenly ever pair of eyes are on him he forgets how to breathe.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Soo teehee , i decided to add a second part since someone requested it. I hope i didn’t disappoint with this chapter ! &lt;33</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He moves on after some months. The bad leaves , and leaves him feeling almost empty. </p>
<p>He’s found comfort in being so afraid of anything, that when he’s not , how should he react ? How would he know ? Should he?</p>
<p>He doesn’t think much about it at times. Yeah, sometimes it suffocating and deteriorating, but he’s not 9 anymore. </p>
<p>It’s only a problem when he sees Skip again. </p>
<p>He did a double take , because no, that can’t be him. </p>
<p>But the dimple , and the hair , and the eyes-</p>
<p>He doesn’t remember screaming, but suddenly every  pair of eyes are on him he forgets how to breathe. </p>
<p>Skips looks at him too, just like everyone else. And Peter wonders if he remembers the horrors he did to him. </p>
<p>He walks up to Peter , and asks him if he’s ok , adding an ‘Einstein’ at the end. </p>
<p>Peters frozen in place, and feels everything at once and it’s killing him. He’s going to die right then and there. In front of everyone in this stupid little coffee shop and his childhood rapist. </p>
<p>The same hands that pinned him 7 years ago touch him again. And it burns into the pattern of his skin. Burns more than the coffee he spilled on his shoes. </p>
<p>He runs out, his legs finally getting the memo to leave. His chest heaves as he arrives at the apartment. </p>
<p>He lays in bed, mistakenly choosing the bottom bunk. He still feels his grip, and he’s screaming again because he doesn’t know where he is and how old he is. He doesn’t know where Skip is and if he’s ever coming back. He can smell the clothes again, and it hurts just same as if he was 9 all over again. </p>
<p>He voice cracks, finally , minutes of continuous screaming halting his vocal chord in a beg of ‘please stop’ . </p>
<p>He stalks to his bathroom and fills the tub. This doesn’t feel real. But he knows it is because he feels the same way since he was 9. </p>
<p>He strips off his clothes and he swears the bruises are back, and he’s bleeding.</p>
<p>He sits in the tub and fills it with soapy bubbles. </p>
<p>It smells artificially sweet, but tastes sour as he swallows it in a silent plea of getting Skip off.</p>
<p>If he can’t clean the outside he can clean the inside right? </p>
<p>He keeps swallowing because he’s dirty and it hurts, it burns and he can’t tell when enough is enough and then he’s throwing up and he’s bleeding, the waters pink and mucky green floats on top of it-</p>
<p>Where does Skip end and Peter Parker start? </p>
<p>He doesn’t know. </p>
<p>Sometimes he think he’s Skip. He thinks it’s his fault everything happened and suddenly he’s wearing the body of his rapist and his hands are too big and his hair is lighter than he remembers. </p>
<p>He suddenly gets this scar under his chin and he’s eyes are blue. </p>
<p>he’s skip he’s skip he’s skip he’s skip-</p>
<p>And it aches in a way that he knows it’s true. It’s not , but maybe it is. </p>
<p>He’s a monster</p>
<p>he’s skip he’s skip he’s skip he’s skip-</p>
<p>He doesn’t know how long he spent sitting in the bath , swallowing heaps and heaps of soap in hopes of getting finally clean, but apparently enough for May to come home and check on him. </p>
<p>This time Peter doesn’t scream </p>
<p>May does</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. These wounds won’t seem to heal (this pain is just too real)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He promised. He kept his mouth shut. </p><p>He was good. </p><p>Why did he keep hurting him?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter three for the person who requested it ! I’ll probably leave it up to just these three parts, thanks for all the support ! ❤️</p><p>Tw for r*pe mentions and r*pe recovery</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>May screamed. </p><p>A raspy scream that ripped from the bottom of her lungs. She stops after. And it feels like time did to. They both stare at each other and everything is quiet. </p><p>Peter starts sobbing and that alerts May as she runs off to get a towel. </p><p>“I j-just wanted him out” He plead to no one in particular. Feeling as May wrapped him up and tugged him out of the shower. </p><p>“Peter, baby, what’s going on ?” May said desperately. “You’ve been acting so weird, you’re so quiet and stoic and- and i’m worried about you- <em>we</em> are worried about you” </p><p>“He’s going to come back for me. I know it” He whispered.</p><p>“Who honey ?” Mays voice cracked.</p><p>“<em>Him”</em> Peter said. “And he’s going to take everything away just like the first time” . </p><p>May started at him. Peter was sitting on the bed, looking towards the wall but not really <em>looking</em>. His eyes , once a soft pool of honey , now resembled a plain stale brown. He was shivering, although it seemed like he didn’t notice himself. </p><p>“Who is ‘Him’ Peter ?” May asked quietly.</p><p>At Peters silence May continued “I want to help you honey” May pleaded. “Please let me help you” </p><p>“You can’t” Now it was Peters voice turn crack. “You can’t help me. He’s going to come again because we’ll let him walk through the door and he’ll take me to my bed because it’s where we hang out and then i’m going to wake up” Peter said with a blank expression. </p><p>“I’m going to call Tony” May got up to get her phone. </p><p>“But it’s our little secret” Peter started as his face lost more color. “He’ll know. I already told you too much. He’ll find out and it will hurt more this time” </p><p>“Pete, you can tell us this secret”</p><p>”But i promised” Peter said close to tears. </p><p>“Sometimes you have to <em>break</em> a promise if holding it will break <em>you</em>” </p><p>“But he will come back Aunt May. I don’t think i can stop him any more” </p><p>“He won’t Peter. I have you. We have you” May said as someone knocked on the door. </p><p>All color drained from Peters face. </p><p>“Is that him ? Is he here?” He panicked. </p><p>“No baby, that’s Tony. I’m going to let him in” </p><p>Although May and Tony were rooms away and talking in hushed voices, Peter still heard. It didn’t really register for that matter, but he heard. </p><hr/><p>
  <em>“I don’t know what’s going on with him. I found him in the bathtub and he looked so scared and haunted but so dead and i- i don’t know what to do Tony” May cried softly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We will solve this okay?” Tony soothed softly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s been acting weird all month. He always does around these months but he never talks about what happen. He’s quiet and stoic and then it passes and it’s like it never happened” May sighed. “I thought i was going crazy because he acted so normal all of the sudden i thought i was imagining it” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Did anything that you know of happened around these months?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, i don’t” </em>
</p><hr/><p><em>“</em>Hey Pete” Tony crouched in front of him. </p><p>Peter looked up confused, never noticing Tony walk in. </p><p>“Hey Mister Stark” Peter rasped out slowly and carefully. Almost as if speaking hurt him. </p><p>It did. </p><p>Tony took off his jacket and wrapped it around Peter. “You must feel cold right kiddo?” .</p><p>Peter didn’t really feel anything. But didn’t try to argue. </p><p>“Talk to me buddy” Tony said as he sat next to Peter. </p><p>“I can’t. I promised him” </p><p>“Peter-“ Tony tried. </p><p>“No , no no no, he will come back if i say. He will come back if i speak. I’ve been quiet Mister Stark” tears gathered at his eyes. “I’ve been good” the tears fell. </p><p>“<em>Why is he still hurting me”</em> Peter cried. </p><p>“Who’s hurting you kid?” Tony said as he hugged Peter. </p><p>“He is. He keeps finding a way to come back without being here” Peter replied in a scared whisper. </p><p>“I keep trying to outrun him, but i’ve never been strong enough. He never goes away. But i can’t turn around and chase him. He’ll catch me before i can get a chance to go around him” Peter added. </p><p>“Can you tell me his name? I want to help”</p><p>”He said to keep our secret a secret. I promised him” </p><p>“Did you promise to never say his name ?” Tony asked carefully. </p><p>Peter kept quiet for a minute before finally answering “No” quietly.</p><p>“Do you want to tell me ?”  </p><p>“St-Steven” Peter said so quietly Tony could barely hear. </p><p>“Steven ?”</p><p>”Sk-Sk-Skip , we called him Skip” </p><p>“Your babysitter?” May asked slightly scared and confused. </p><p>Peter nodded slowly. </p><p>“Did he ever hurt you bambi?” Tony carded his fingers through Peters now damp curls. </p><p>“I promised. I made a promise” Peter repeated like a mantra. </p><p>“You can break that promise Peter. We can keep you safe baby” May said. </p><p>Peter turned to Tony. Tony almost backing away in shock as he saw so much emotion in Peters eyes , a stark contrast to the cold look he’s had for weeks. </p><p>“Can you keep him away? Can you make the hurting stop?” </p><p>“Yes bambino, i’ll keep him away” Tony promised with a kiss to Peters forehead. </p><p>“He-He started showing me th-things the second time he babysat me” Peter started. </p><p>“Things ?” </p><p>“P-P-Porn magazines at first” He whispered. “He t-touched me the third time he babysat me” </p><p>May gasped, tears falling down her face. Tony stiffened, but his grip on Peter never faltering. </p><p>“He raped me for months after that” Peter said, his eyes turning blank once again. </p><p>May sobbed. </p><p>“Hey Peter, kiddo, i need you to come back to us. I know it hurts and you don’t want to feel that. But i need you to come to us” Tony soothed softly. “I need you to find your way back”. </p><p>“No , please don’t make me come back” Peters voice was cold, unlike how it sounded when he retelling the story. </p><p>“You have to come to us Peter. You’ll be okay. You’re safe. I have you kid, and i’m never letting you go” Tony kissed Peters temple. “He won’t hurt you anymore” </p><p>Peter sobbed. </p><p>Maybe he could let Skip go</p><p>
  <em>Finally </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>